6 years ago, I found myself completely out of my element… I was looking at this crystal that supposedly opened your kundalini… it had hundreds of tiny quartz looking crystals on it’s face and it cost a pretty penny, but I went to a local crystal shop that I took my infant daughter (who now is in first grade), because what does a workaholic, now stay at home Dad do during the day… I had attempted a couple of moms group, but I did not have the boobs to fit in… so I found myself going on lots of walks and frequenting a crystal shop… at that point it was fun, each crystal had a certain flavor, a given energy… the shop was no bigger then 10ish feet by 20-30ish feet. So, with my daughter resting against my chest, I would feel a lil of this and a little of that and have fun trying out all the crystals.
Nonetheless, I went looking for this crystal I had found in a magazine, and I found something quite similar. Now, when I asked the price, the shop-owner said that she had never seen it before, and I could have it for $2. I was more than excited to bring it home and see what magic it might contain. So, as I was rocking my daughter asleep, I kept it in my hand. Now I can’t tell you if it was before, after or during myself falling asleep… but I felt like a huge energetic knot, like a big thick rope you climb in gym class untangling below my bum. Then this thick energy started moving up my body and exiting out my forehead and moving back and forth above my head.
When you spend 11 hours a day with an infant, your mental state is highly suspect. I kind thought I was losing my mind, I had felt energy before… but it never stayed for hours let alone days. This serpent like, undulating energy wasn’t going anywhere and when I asked my wife if she could feel it and saw her face, I was a bit worried. So, I had some friends feel too, for 3 days this energy was consuming my limited view point and breaking down my beliefs I had held for so long.
However, I was bit spooked to say the least, and when I asked the teachers and other people in my current circles if they had any clue what to bring some balance… no one had any answers. So, when one of my students told me about a PHD (who was now an energy healer and wrote an article on Kundalini) and his corresponding talk he was giving… I had to give it a shot. I went and was there early because my friend had a conference call she had to take before the event, I went ahead and asked him about Kundalini… He didn’t have any additional information other than a meditation technique I was already doing, and that didn’t seem to be the solution because I was worried it might be the cause of my condition as I was beginning to call it. But the energy technique he was using, seemed to calm things down for me.
So, I was going to go on a retreat he was offering in the coming months with my wife, but for whatever reason we were unable to go. Although, there was a suggested reading of Awakening the 3rd Eye, and I read it. Samuel, the author of the book, blew my mind. One of the big break throughs in meditation for me was the idea of having awareness in more than one place in the body. When I figured this out after years of meditating, I could rest more easily. Samuel had wrote this is the first chapter, he had even more. This man, had so much information in one book that I was hooked. I had to have more, so I read all his books. Then I had to try his regression technique, so my wife gave me a session for my birthday. We drove to NYC from Philly, so I could try it. In the meantime, I decided I was going to see him in California at his school of meditation.
The first session I had on the first day, I all of sudden started crying… I mean hysterically crying… I had cried 3 times in my life since I was a kid… I mean I could count them, they were life changing moments for me… men on the East coast don’t cry, only when babies are born or people die or your sports team breaks a curse to win the championship… but other than that you don’t cry… AND now I was nearly screaming… or was I screaming? I was a women and my baby was dying. I felt such guilt and GRIEF.
Previously I had come to the conclusion after working in hospice for a couple of years that we have lived more than once. The things I saw while doing healing work for people dying everyday, shifted my perception. But now I was experiencing being a woman with a dying baby and being me, Michael at the same time. My viewpoint of the world was forever shifting, past lives were real… because I was experiencing one.
Then life as it does swept me away, and one day I was buying a mala to use to count my breath or so I thought. I found these beads in the case at a Tibetan store that I was drawn too, and when I held them… it felt like Harry Potter holding his wand for the first time… but I was told they were some 80 year monk’s beads who had meditating in the Himalayan mountains and they were $250. So, I very much thanked the woman who owned the store and gave them back.
I walked out the store with my wife and this voice way above my head, said in not so many words that I was making a huge mistake and I had to go back and buy the beads or I would ruin my life. My wife looked at me and said go back to store, get the beads. So, I did.
The next day I bought a book about mantra. I had no idea what it was, but i knew it had something to do with meditation or yoga. Well I read the entire book that day and started my first mantra. And I haven’t stopped chanting since.
I did take 8 months off when I went back to the meditation school, and I became a practitioner of regression. I was able to take courses from Samuel, and I learned truly how to have a mediation practice. He inspired me to push myself past my limits, and I couldn’t stop practicing. I learned so much about how to navigate my inner world and how to build my subtle bodies. If I ever had a teacher he was it, but I couldn’t hold my passion for mantra back any longer and I secretly began chanting again. Then I formerly left the school to continue my pursuit of mastering myself through Meditation Using Sanskrit Sounds.
I took courses and read any book I could find on mantra, japa and chanting. There are not many. In the end it was through practice, where I gained most of my knowledge. Combining all I had learned from Samuel and my personal experience, I built a system of practice. It helped me work through my grief, anger and fear.
Then it led my wife to send me to India. There I found myself in a little seaside town, at an Ashram of a woman named Mother. All the questions I had about mantra and japa were being answered through her writings and my experiences at her Samadhi (where she was buried).
I had been teaching mantra for about 4 years at this point, but after India I had really built a system that began creating more sustainable change in people’s lives. Then I was called to Peru and to learn from Shamans in the Amazon and in the mountains. Each time a new message came, I listened more quickly. And it brought back to India, where I have just returned.
I met amazing people and visited amazing temples. In the end the answer is always the same, all is inside. All the answers we look for are inside, we have them. So, what is the trick. I keep finding people, who live more inside than outside… Who teach me not to ask them for the answers, but they teach techniques for me to find my own answers. This is what I share when teaching Meditation Using Empowered Sounds. The answers are not with the Teacher. A teacher, is someone who has more awareness in the moment you are sharing with them. They have something to offer, and if you are listening, you can take it with you. They like Samuel teach you how to practice or now in Jose the Teacher I met on this trip to open their heart to you. Krishna Das, the famous Kirtan singer, says his teacher told him “I let you love me unconditionally.”
I feel like I have a chance to do this with Jose. I never was able to love Samuel unconditionally, I even left before I had the opportunity to work closely with him… but he did teach me to practice. And I saw how others loved him, and this was teaching enough… he has since passed.
I now know with Jose, I have an opportunity to learn, but the real work happens when you leave the classroom. It happens in the little moments that define us. The ones with our loved ones when no one is looking. When are masks are off, before our anger overcomes us or after, can we ask for forgiveness, can we forgive ourselves, can we become more of who we are? Can we love ourselves? Can we awaken? Can we keep listening to the voice of the heart? Can we ignore our minds and all the judgments? Can we just BE who we truly are?
As times passes, I believe we can. I FEEL it more and more.
Everyone is a teacher, but if you find yourself with someone who says they have something to offer, pay attention. What part of you is wanting a teacher, your victim or your vulnerability? Is it the part of you trying to escape the moment or the part of you that is trying to enter it. I have come to se, we get what we seek, so take a moment and ask yourself what are you seeking?
I hope to continue to seek love, truth and wisdom.